I decided a while back to write myself a letter for when I go through my bouts of depression. I wanted to create something that would comfort me and hopefully help me when I’m depressed. When my depression is really bad, it’s like there is a veil over everything. It negatively alters the way I view myself and my life. So I wrote myself a letter while I was “sober.” (This is what I call “not depressed.” Sober…clear headed, etc.) My main objective was to just remind myself of the things that were true. Depression makes you believe lies and one of the best ways to combat that is to remember what is really true. So here it is! My letter to myself for when I need it the most.
I know you’re upset. I know you are frustrated, sad and mad that you are back here again. This place you’ve fought countless times to crawl out of. I know it feels like a tsunami hanging right above your head. It feels like the depression is surrounding you on all sides and your head is no where near the top of the water. I know you feel as if the joy and life have just been sucked out of you. All of those things that make you happy just don’t. Everything seems pointless and it’s the shittiest feeling in the world.
Here come the tears and feeing worthless and not good enough. You’re tired of fighting again and again and it seems like it’s never going to end. I know you want to give up mainly just because you’re exhausted.
I want to take a few moments to remind you of some things that have maybe been tucked away while you’ve been fighting.
I want to remind you about the promise you made to yourself to never give up. That no matter what happens or how you feel, you’ll keep trying. Keep fighting no matter what. Yep! You don’t actually have a choice here. Fighting is the only option.
I want to remind you that this is temporary. You know it is. Nothing lasts forever and neither will this. I don’t know how long it will last this time, but I know it won’t be forever and you know it too. When all of this is over you will be smiling again. You will feel amazing. I’m 110% sure that you will come out the other side better than you were when you went in. Try to be patient.
On that note, remember to be patient with yourself. Just like being sick you need to take it slow, rest, and give your body what it needs to feel better. Do something nice for yourself. Do whatever you want or don’t want to do. It’s ok. You have permission. Take some time. Take as much time as you need. Everything will be there when you get better. Right now you just need to take it easy and that’s ok.
Remember that you are loved. There are people in your life who are totally sad and bummed out that you are feeling bad again. They want you to get better. They wish that there was something they could do to make you feel better. Sometimes they feel helpless because all they can do is listen. But they love you. And they are cheering you on and sending you as much love and good vibes as they can muster. They may not always understand what you are going through, but they will always be there for you and will always listen. You found some good ones. Some life long friends. They aren’t going anywhere. Call them or text them if you need to.
This next one is going to be a little hard for you. I understand why. You are good enough. You are not worthless. You are amazing. We both know everything you’ve gone through. Honestly, me being you, I’m really the ONLY person that knows EXACTLY what you’ve been through. You want to know what I think? I think you’re a total badass. You have slayed some nasty dragons and have come out of the battle a fucking diamond. You have persevered and climbed insurmountable mountains. You’re a fighter. You make it through. I don’t know anyone who has fought as many battles as you have. And to come out better than you were before? Please. You are amazing. You kick and you fight and you scream to get what you want. You never give up. You get what you want and you kick so much ass to get there. And I know you’ll do it again this time.
Maybe you feel lonely or bored. This would be an excellent time to call up one of those phenomenal friends of yours. Pick something you want to do to get out of the house. Go with your mom. Stop before you even start comparing yourself or your accomplishments with others. You are amazing all on your own. Even when you are alone in your room and you feel like no one cares and nothing you do matters. You matter. You are important. Your light shines so bright even when you feel like no one is looking.
I hope this helps you. You are so important and you don’t deserve what you are going through right now. But this is what you’ve been handed in life because you are strong enough to endure it. I know it hurts, but just wait it out. Take a deep breath. It gets better. It gets better because you are a badass that never gives up. This is just preparing you for something else amazing. Some new, awesome transformation that you can’t even imagine right now.
More than anything else, I want you to know that I love you. If we were two people, you would be my life teammate. I need you. I care about you. Remember how much you love and care about the important people in your life and know that’s how I feel about you.
Stay strong. You’ve got this.